1 Tuff Dictionary

As strange as it may seem, the world’s most universally spoken language today stems from a madcap group of pallid wankers who for some time thrust their blue-blooded ideals on the rest of known humanity. The English language has changed significantly throughout history and many words have been dropped, altered, adapted, taken on new meaning, or invented. Continuing this bland, allocution I believe it’s imperative to inform you that as a holder of a bachelor’s degree in English I’ve not attained any practical use in society other than to ramble incoherently with elaborate and decorative speech. That being said, I consider 1 Tuff Place to possess considerable amounts of cynicism and acrimonious discourse. Therefore, I would like to discuss Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), a brilliant writer and literary critic who disappeared during the Mexican revolution amidst the ranks of Pancho Villa. Bierce generally maintained a sarcastic and morose tone and one particular work of his, The Devil’s Dictionary, demonstrates his sardonic views on contemporary language and society. Here are some examples of the greater compilation of this work:

APOLOGIZE, v.i.

To lay the foundation for a future offence.

ARISTOCRACY, n.

Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

MAN, n.

An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

MAYONNAISE, n.

One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

MIND, n.

A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.

PALACE, n.

A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church.  

I guess you had to be there. And so I present a slightly updated version using a relatively narrow scope of words. These are some terms that can be thrown around 1 Tuff Place at any given time. It’s only fair to the average uninformed viewer to make them accessible. Now you too can be privy to our unwholesome and peculiar language. These are just a few entries in the 1 Tuff Dictionary :

BITCHTITS, n. pl.

Man boobs; both hard and soft. See Matt Viemiester

BLUNTOSIS, n.

A state of complete neuro-physiological arrest, as result from excessive inhalation of a forbidden fume.

BUMBLEBEE, n.

A sidewalk charlatan.

DUBLIN DROPPER, n.

A politically correct term for the Irish Car Bomb; a delicious concoction made of Guiness, Bailey’s and Jameson. It’s origin is an inebriated island where the colors of the flag reflect the various hues of it’s countrymen.

FANCYBOY HANDSHAKE , n.

A courtesy reach-around.

HIGH N' TIGHT, n.

A haircut which exposes the skull up the back and sides towards the top of the head, upon which a small, flipped patch of hair forms at a peak above the forehead.

LONG ISLAND, n.

1. An overpopulated island of south eastern New York that breeds avarice and callously obnoxious behavior. It’s separated into two counties, Nassau and Suffolk. The inhabitants of both perpetuate meatheadery, big-chainery, golddiggery, and corrupt local politics.

2. Land of insane motorists and inconsiderate, shameless opportunists.

MARINATE, v.

1. To contemplate or put thought to an abstract concept or a musical notion. Marinate on that.

2. To stimulate and revitalize one’s own perspective through absorption of a saporous substance.

MUSHROOM STAMP, n.

A forceful impact to one's cranium delivered by someone else's phallus.

I shoulda' gave her a mushroom stamp. - a gent named Kramer

PHILISTINE, n.

One who is ignorant and or opposed to the bountiful goodness of Flava Tribe and its home, 1 Tuff Place.

PINSTICK, n.

An elegent and thinly rolled jibba. The precise amount one person needs.

ROADSODA, n.

An exu berantly divine nectar consumed while traveling by way of automobile, customarily en route to a sumptuous social affair.

SHIT SHOW, n.

A decadent display of debauchery.

SKEET, v.

To abruptly evacuate a situation either to prevent a cockblock or to screw someone out of a ride.

(Adapted from an ebonic term with an entirely separate significance)

SKYIN’, v. tr.

The act of spastically leaping through the air and grabbing the rim in a ridiculous manner.

Skyin’, that’s all I said. Skyin’. - Coach Tom Combs

SWALLOWBAG, n.

A person with only one dirty purpose.

Synonyms: slor, pig

SWANKY, adj.

Nauseatingly posh.

Might as well get swanky, buy the whole bottle. - Replicant

TROPICAL, adj.

A decadent, warm and comfortable environment in which bluntosis can occur.

I didn’t hit the sack until around 5ish after marinating in a tropical climate. - Mallo

also TROP, n.

A magically inflorescent blossom with titillating properties, especially upon sublimation.

At this point I would like to encourage open responses from readers. Feel free to submit words that you may like to see added to the 1 Tuff Dictionary. Please direct any comments or suggestions to the message board.

 

 

Please feel free to express any and all memories or stories concerning Wyles at the 1 Tuff Message Board.